Dear Jesus and Satan,
As a devout evangelical Christian, I take the word of God literally. And God made Donald Trump president. That’s how a democracy works. So I take the word of Trump literally, or at least as a literal interpretation of God’s will. So automatically, whatever he says or does is what’s best for America. Because God. So whatever I say or do on his behalf, no matter how contradictory, inflammatory, or outright false, is actually a higher truth.
I would ask why some Americans don’t get this, but I already know. It’s because they’re heathens. They haven’t had the evangelical training that I have, so they don’t understand God’s logic, and this frustrates me because God’s logic is so simple I can sum it up in two words: Because God.
Why is abortion bad? Because God. Why should Americans have the right to unlimited firepower? Because God. Why gut social security, medicare, and medicaid to give bigger tax cuts to the wealthy? Because God. Why do citizens of the richest country in the world regularly end up jobless and homeless because they get sick? Because God. Why is our military more important than our infrastructure or educating our children? Because God.
To relieve stress, I roll around on the carpet and fetch tennis balls for my husband. Sex is only for procreation, and honestly, we both enjoy this kind of “roll” play (pun intended) more than we ever enjoyed sex anyway. Thank you for making sex so guilt ridden and joyless. I don’t even get how abortion is a debate. Who the heck wants to have sex? I think this is a mental health issue, like guns.
What can I do to better serve America, and thus better serve Trump, and thus ultimately better serve You? It’s a hard job, but someone (me!) has got to do it. Because God.
Your devout and loyal follower until the End of Days,
Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Dear Sarah Huckabee Sanders,
The Pope recently had a quote I like: “An atheist is better than a bad Christian.” Now, I don’t always see eye to eye with The Pope—especially regarding the matter of him keeping a secret brothel in the Sistine Chapel basement next to the room with all the relics that prove I was just a mortal human who had a wife and kids. That room is supposed to be sacred and he shouldn’t be fucking whores anywhere near all that sacred stuff. Actually, the women aren’t even whores, they’re slaves, seeing as how he doesn’t pay them and they aren’t allowed to leave. So the Pope is definitely not as infallible as he claims, but I do agree with his “atheist” comment. In all honesty, he may not have even said it. There’ve been a lot of fake Pope quotes in circulation on the social media sites perpetuated by Liberals who so desperately want to like this guy because he’s slightly less homophobic than previous popes. For argument’s sake, let’s say he really said it. I realize you “Evangies” (as I like to call you) don’t think much of The Pope, and Catholics in general because they worship saints like false idols, but you could stand to learn a thing or two from them. At least they accept evolution. At least they know the Earth is more than 6,000 years old. At least, in practice, most of them know not to take the Bible literally. And yeah, there are some Mel Gibsons and Rick Santorums out there, but not nearly as many as there are Mike Huckabees (your dad’s even crazier than you are) and Roy Moores and Stephen Baldwins. You want to blame mental illness for gun violence, but your leaders are craziest people in the world. If you need to be reminded of how I actually feel about guns, refer to my response to Tomi Lahren’s letter a few weeks ago.
And let me take this time to make something else perfectly clear. I don’t support Donald Trump. He’s an idiot, he’s an egomaniac, and he’s an asshole. What’s more, he doesn’t even believe in Christianity. The worst part is most of you Evangies know this, but don’t care as long as he goes through the motions of attacking abortion rights, making it OK to deny wedding cakes to gays and keeping transgender people out of the military. Really, those are the only issues you care about and you’re willing to sell out the rest of the world in order to get those things done. Do you realize how batshit it is to be gleefully looking forward to The End Times? I have a good mind to postpone The Apocalypse another 200 years just to spite you morons. In fact, that’s probably the best punishment I can come up with. That, and sending your miserable souls down to hell. Enjoy those freaky games of fetch you play with your husband while you can, because in a few years, you’ll be playing fetch with Satan. Only, instead of tennis balls, it’ll be grenades.
—Jesus the Christ
While I look forward to our explosive games of fetch, I’m more interested in some other things we can do in the meantime while you’re still technically alive. I say “technically” because no Evangie is truly alive. Jehovah’s Witnesses aren’t allowed on roller coasters and Mormons aren’t allowed to drink, but I think you Evangies are way more frustrated and repressed and obsessed with what other people do with their genitals than any of the other wacky religions. Say what you will about Scientologists, but at least they aren’t afraid to fuck. Gay or straight, Tom Cruise gets his dick wet! Anyway, what I’m getting at is, it doesn’t have to be this way. You say you don’t enjoy sex, but that’s because you’ve only ever had it with another Evangie, and Evangies don’t believe in the existence of The Clitoris. Well, I promise you once you become versed in the word of The Clitoris, your life will be forever changed. I’m guessing you don’t even know where your own clit is, but don’t worry—I can find it for you. I’ll roll over it with my long, forked tongue until you gush like a broken fire hydrant. After that, I will stick you with10 inches of red, throbbing demonhood. Don’t worry—we can take it slow the first time. But once you have that first orgasm, I promise you’ll forget all about that orange asshole in the White House and all those stupid things Republicans are brainwashed to care about in the name of “The Lord.”
—Satan The Clit Evangelist
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.