Today’s Divine Advice question was submitted by one of our readers.
Dear Divine advice,
I know we aren’t on good terms, I am a witch, and I learned that back when I uh developed a little more into womanhood so to speak. I am a water and earth witch, meaning I have a strong connection and bond to the Earth and Sea. I realize how awkward this must be, seeing as I acknowledge you, Jesus, as a human, and Satan as a fallen angel. I don’t really worship you, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be civil and help one another. I digress, Today I had an encounter where some lady tried to tell me that me taking care of the earth and being a friend to the earth is a sin, and that I will burn in hell. I am a witch, so burning is a fate we must all suffer, but for being a humanoid that does what she can to take care of the Earth and Sea, does that really merit hell? also this lady seems to think that you are able to solve all of life’s problems, from Cancer to Pox, to depression, to even unemployment and starving artists. is that true?
and you Satan, hope all is well with you, hope you are keeping all those miserable scum in their place. well thanks both of you for you input. so mote it be.
—annoyed and worried Witch
Pay that woman no mind. As with most zealots, she has absolutely no idea what she’s talking about. I gotta tell you, those Biblical literalists really make me laugh. She thinks I created the earth in six days? Come on! It took twenty days just to write the first few laws of physics. And all that stuff in the Bible where it seems like I’m cool with incest, rape, and slavery? She should know better. When it comes to taking care of the Earth, I simply don’t understand why these nutters can’t be bothered. I created your dog, but you know you have to feed it, right? Well, I created the earth, and it’s your job to make sure it doesn’t become a giant ball of ash and dust. This seems like a pretty simple concept to me.
OK, so this might be off topic, but you wouldn’t happen to know the Blair Witch by any chance, would you? Wait, was that racist? Sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that you all know each other. And by “you” I didn’t mean—man, I’m just making it worse now, aren’t I. Shit. Anyway, if you happen to know the Blair Witch, tell her she should stop murdering kids in the woods. I’d tell her myself, but she cast some kind of spell and I can’t seem to find her. It’s embarrassing, right? What with me supposed to be all-seeing and everything. Yeah, so if you see her, give her my message. As for you burning in hell and all that, well, technically that’s what’s in store for you since you haven’t acknowledged my divinity. Honestly, though, I’ve been giving these ancient rules some thought lately. I’m starting to think maybe I was a little hard on people like Gandhi and Confucius. I mean they’re both solid guys when you get to know them. Maybe its time I let them come up here with me.
—Jesus the Contemplative
Looks like the man upstairs is considering changing the rules, but if he doesn’t, don’t worry. It’s really not so bad down here for witches. I mean, it’s actually a lot like your lives up there. There are caldrons full of green bubbling potions, people flying around on brooms, and jerks being turned into toads. I would think it’s your idea of a party. And the best part is, I often recruit you guys to help with some of the torturing. Don’t you think it would be fun to pluck Hitler’s nipples off? Or turn Stalin’s testicles into 100lb. kettle bells? And guess what. You know those assholes that burned witches at the Salem Witch Trials? Well they’re all down here! Most of the time, they just get burned at the stake, but it might be fun to mix it up a little. Maybe make their punishment ironic by encasing them in a giant block of ice or something. Feel free to do whatever you want to them—we’re all about creativity down here.
—Lucifer the Artist
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.