I’ve been struggling with my weight all my life. The best advice I ever got was to just do more of the things I already love doing. For example, if I love walking, I should walk more. So what I want to know is, how many calories do I burn masturbating? Smoking a cigarette? Drinking beer? Watching an hour of TV? Eating a donut? I know beer has a lot of calories, but doesn’t it take calories for your liver to burn away the alcohol? Also, how many carbs are in whiskey?
Also, why don’t most sweatpants have pockets anymore, and why are the pockets so small? Where am I supposed to keep my keys and my donuts when I go out jogging?
Thank you in advance for the calorie information, and let me know where I can buy a decent pair of sweats.
If you were a Bunsen burner, you’d burn the entire amount of calories there are in a donut. But you’re not a Bunsen burner—you’re just a fat, lazy human. For you especially, eating a donut doesn’t burn any calories because you tend to down the whole thing in one bite without even chewing. You do the same with beer; in fact I’ve seen you down an entire forty in a single gulp. Of your list of vices, smoking is the only one that actually burns calories because it raises your metabolism. So yeah, smoke all the cigarettes you want. Avoid reefer, though, because it’s an appetite stimulant. When you smoke too much reefer, you tend to eat too much bread afterwards. Thanks to that stupid commercial, everyone knows how much you love bread. But what only you and I know is that, by “bread”, you mean “butlers” which is even worse. I know it seems like adult humans should be an excellent source of protein that are low in carbs and processed sugar, but you overfeed your butlers, so they tend to be very doughy. Also, eating people is not a Christian thing to do. Er, wait—I forgot about Communion. OK, eating humans outside of church is not a Christian thing to do. There, that’s better. Moving on…
You’re probably thinking I forgot about masturbation. On paper, it seems like that should be a decent calorie-burning activity, what with all the rubbing and panting and the raising of your heart rate. But the fact is, masturbation is a sin. A sin I punish in various individualized ways. In your case, I add ten pounds of fat to your ass for every five minutes of masturbation. I suppose you think I should have told you about this sooner, before you got addicted to frigging yourself—but that’s not how I work. Nobody said life was going to be easy, right? Anyway, now that you know the consequences of your actions, you have to decide which you want more: orgasms or a bikini body. You can’t have both.
—Jesus the Disciplinary
As usual, the man upstairs is a real buzzkill when it comes to doing things that feel good. The truth is, there’s a way to have your cake, eat it too, and not be a total fat fuck. If you make a deal with me, I’ll let you eat all the “bread” you want, masturbate all you want, drink all you want and you won’t gain an ounce. As an added bonus, I’ll give you access to unlimited orgies with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. If you order today, I’ll even throw in Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban at no additional charge. So what’s the catch? Nothing. All you have to do is sign over your power of attorney to me. That and promise me your soul after you die. Honestly, I think you’ll love it down here in Hell. It’s nothing but eating donuts and drinking beer, with the occasional flaming-hot poker being jammed into your anus. Also, we have the best sweat pants down here. They have Velcro pockets!
—Lucifer the Indulger
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.