Dear Jesus and Satan,
A few years ago I made a deal with Satan. In exchange for my soul, he agreed to make a double of myself. The idea was that my double would go to work for me, clean my toilet, do my laundry, etc. But my double is maybe even worse than I am, he got fired from my job, he got us dumped by my girlfriend, all he does is drink and smoke, he’s sitting on my couch right now drinking beer, it’s 9 AM. I try to reason with him, but he knows exactly what I’m going to say, he knows all my darkest secrets, he’s basically me. It is unbearable, I already hated myself and now, constantly having to deal with myself, I completely get it, why everyone is so fed up with me, or us. We drink and smoke together, and fight constantly. He doesn’t understand how expensive it is for both of us to be drinking and smoking all the time. I told him we should be magicians, take advantage of being living doubles like in The Prestige, and he just laughed at me. He says we’re too old, that it’s already too late.
I know this is a stretch, but is there any way I can get out of this? You can keep my soul, I just want him gone. And if I murder him, what happens? You already have my soul, I’m already going to hell, is there any reason not to murder him? Or my ex-girlfriend? The way I see it, I might as well go on a rampage.
The chilling truth of the matter is clones created by Satan can’t actually be killed. Go ahead and try if you want, but it can’t be done. That’s what’s so alarming about all the people out there who are trying to clone Hitler—and believe me, there are a lot of people doing that. Give it maybe two more years, tops. Anyway, I’m doing what I can to prevent it by killing off all the mad scientists before they can chant the particular passage from The Book of Mormon backwards, which invokes Satan for this specific purpose. Last week a German got halfway through the verse before I found and eradicated him. Of course it was a German, right? Anyway, none of this solves your particular problem. My best advice to you is to trick your clone into getting back with Jennifer Aniston. As you already know, living with Aniston is kind of like a little bit of hell on earth. A few weeks with her, and he’ll be begging for death which will never come. At that point, he will most likely chain a bowling ball to his foot and jump off a cruise ship in the middle of the Pacific. Then he’ll never bother you again.
—Jesus the Bringer of Bad News, Sometimes
I guess I forgot to mention that your clone would be indestructible. My bad. There are a few ways to get him to leave, though. Have you tried anally raping him? That usually works. Or you can simply try being an even worse roommate than he is. You know, leave a big pile of dirty dishes in the sink, play loud music when he’s trying to sleep—that sort of thing. Take my word for it; if you’re annoying enough, he’ll eventually leave. Of course, there’s an outside chance you’ll be so annoying he just ends up killing you. Clones are indestructible; originals are not. But that would solve your problem, too, wouldn’t it? I should warn you, though; there are thousands of Brad Pitt clones down here in Hell. I use them to Sodomize closeted gay republicans who tried to pass anti-LGBTQ legislation. It’s the best kind of torture because they actually enjoy the anal sex, but they hate themselves for liking it.
Oh, and as for the other part of your question (which The Lord forgot to address)—you may as well go ahead and kill your ex-girlfriend. I doubt anyone will notice. I don’t recommend going on a rampage, though. It’s not as fun as it sounds, and it’s a lot of work.
—Lucifer the Light
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.