Dear Divine Advice,
I was secretly fucking Rebecca Howe all along while they were filming Cheers. I feel guilty because the audience always was rooting for me to fuck her, but I really was the whole time. Hmm, now I’m even more confused. I enjoyed fucking her, so I don’t feel guilty about that, I suppose I feel guilty about not telling the audience. Yes, I feel guilty about that…and I have a feeling that I caused Kirstie Alley to become a Scientologist.
More Confused Than Ever,
Dear Ted Danson,
Your guilt is justified. Not only are you the reason Kirstie Allie became a Scientologist, but you are also the reason she became fat, and the reason Veronica’s Closet was such a shitty show. At this point, there’s only one way you can make this right, and that is to lay your cock out on an anvil and smash it with a sledgehammer. Record it, post it on YouTube, along with a public apology to Kirstie for what you did, and I promise she’ll forgive you. She has to—she loves you. She always has. You’re actually the father of her children, and she knows it. Unfortunately, she’s always going to be a Scientologist, and she’s always going to be fat. Only God can fix those things, and that’s me, and I don’t feel like it.
—Jesus the Vigilant
Dear Ted Danson,
I hate to tell you this, but you’re already destined to join me in Hell, and it has nothing to do with fucking Kirstie Alley and causing her to join a cult. Na, it’s on account of the whole Whoopi Goldberg blackface incident. That’s pretty unforgivable. And let me tell you, it’s not going to be pleasant for you down here. You’re getting the same tortures I reserve for all the hardcore racists such as David Duke. Boy, that guy…any day now…I can’t wait. I know he’s only 66, but he eats a lot of deep-fried butter. Anyway, back to you. Yeah, it’s going to be fun for me and not so fun for you. Lots more blackface, only this time it will be bubbling hot tar. OK, enjoy making that anvil video and I’ll see you soon. Don’t worry, “soon” is relative. You have at least…well, I don’t want to spoil it for you.
—Satan the also pretty Vigilant
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.
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