Dear Divine Advice,
I really need some help. I should probably see a psychologist but I lost my job, I don’t have any health insurance, I’m not even sure if it would’ve covered a psychologist anyway. The good news is I can still write letters.
Anyway, it started about two weeks ago. I stepped into a giant pile of dogshit and screamed “MONKEYS!” Kind of a weird thing to scream in that situation. My friends laughed at me, we were all pretty drunk, it just seemed kind of random. But the next day, my friend Lucy said hello to me and instead of saying hello back I screamed “MONKEYS!” She looked at me funny, I tried to apologize but when I opened my mouth I screamed “MONKEYS!” again, I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop screaming “MONKEYS!”.
That episode passed, but in the days to follow “MONKEYS!” started to take over my speech. I went to a McDonalds and ordered a Quarter Pounder with “MONKEYS!” I tried to talk to my wife about getting new bedsheets and screamed “MONKEYS!” It’s gotten to the point that it’s the only thing I can say, and now I’m actually seeing monkeys everywhere I look, I yelled at my daughter to change into her good dress for church and when she came back downstairs, she was a monkey, I pointed at her and screamed “MONKEYS!”
I’ve lost my job because of this, I obviously can’t go to church, when we’re all supposed to say “amen” I scream “MONKEYS!”, my wife already wanted a divorce and this has pretty much pushed her over the edge.
What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve never had any other psychological problems, aside from a crippling fear of monkeys, it started when I was seven years old, I saw one monkey try to murder another monkey at the zoo and no one believed me. I pretty much forgot about monkeys after that, I just tried to stay away from them, which is supposed to be pretty easy in this day and age in America, but now monkeys are everywhere.
Please help me!
Dear Matt Damon,
After that Chinese Ponytail movie you just made, I’m not sure I should even help you. Anyway, an inability to keep from shouting “MONKEYS!” is hardly an excuse to miss church. In fact, I encourage shouting in church. I did it myself once. Made a big scene yelling at these moneychangers, turning over their tables, etc. It’s probably the most badass thing I’ve ever done, actually. So yeah, go to church and yell “MONKEYS!” all you want. And if those monkeys don’t like it, you can tell ‘em Jesus told them all to go fuck themselves. And then they probably WILL start fucking themselves, and also throwing feces—that’s just what monkeys do. Why are you going to an all-monkey church anyway? Not to sound racist, but you should be going to a church that has more diversity—one where they don’t mind if you yell “MONKEYS!” or make bad Chinese Ponytail movies.
—Jesus The Badass Disrupter of Moneychangers
Dear Matt Damon,
I don’t like to be a tattletale, but your recent strange behavior is due to an elaborate prank by Jimmy Kimmel. He slipped something into your drink at the Oscars after-party right after he yanked your pants down and gave you a wedgie, and then grabbed your wife’s tits. The effects of the “MONKEYS!” potion should wear off eventually, but it’s also possible that it’ll just keep getting worse until your throat starts bleeding and you have to get your larynx removed. In my onion, the only thing that can fix this situation is revenge. I’ll be up at your place later to fuck your wife anyway, so I don’t mind sticking around to help you work out a plan to get back at Jimmy. Off the top of my head, here are a few ideas: 1) Get him drunk, cover his dick with honey and throw him into a bear cave 2) shave off his pubes and glue them to his face 3) record his parents having sex, then email him the video with a subject heading “cute kittens wrestling.” I’m not married to any of these ideas, but we can probably come up with something better. See you in a bit.
—Satan The Prankster