This week’s question was submitted by one of our readers.
Dear Divine Advice,
I no longer want to be a human, I want to be a duck. Please allow me to turn myself into a duck so I may live my life in the swamps of Florida as a duck. I want a corkscrew penis.
—A Wannabe Duck.
Dear Wannabe Duck,
Unfortunately, my Jesus powers don’t work like that. I can either turn you into a cartoon duck that wears a shirt but no pants and has no genitals at all, OR I can give you a corkscrew penis without turning you into a duck—but not both. Before making your choice, keep in mind the pros and cons of each lifestyle. Cartoon ducks are able to withstand shotgun blasts to the face that spin their beaks around to the back of their head, but they often have crippling speech impediments. Meanwhile being a human with a corkscrew penis might make you the star of an erotic carnival freak show, but it will also make it incredibly painful to have sex with other humans. So which is it going to be—dickless cartoon duck or celibate freak with a special penis? Give it some thought and get back to me.
—Jesus The Lord
Dear Wannabe Duck,
If you make a deal with me, I can turn you into whatever you want. Now, I’m legally obligated to warn you that 99% of the people who make deals with me regret it once it’s time for me to collect their souls. But I’m sure it’ll be different for YOU. You seem to really wanna be a duck. I’m also obligated to disclose that once you get to hell, ANYTHING GOES! You think having a corkscrew dick sounds fun now, but you may feel differently after a million years of fucking Stalin’s flaming skull with it.
So there is another option that I’m not supposed to tell you about. Should you convert to Hinduism, it may be possible for you to work out a deal with Vishnu wherein you could request to be reincarnated as a duck in your next life. Now, I don’t know Vishnu personally, so I can’t tell you whether or not he’s generous about this sort of thing, but really, what do you have to lose? Christianity seems like a dead end for you.
—Satan the Shifty
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.