Divine Advice For Nancy Pelosi

Dear Divine Advice,

I just started watching The Americans and I love it, but Felicity really scares me nowadays. Why is she so angry and violent? Does it have anything to do with Ben? And did that stuff really happen with Russia, was the Soviet Union an actual thing? It seems like if the Soviet Union was really like that, Ben and Felicity would have gotten really fat after moving to America, like those Eastern European hockey players who defected in the 70s.I tried to ask my husband about this and he just looked at me like I was crazy. What should I do? And why did Felicity cut her hair? Is that why she’s been away for so long?

Nancy Pelosi

Dear Nancy Pelosi,

I have to be honest, you seem like a real bitch. Those Eastern European hockey players that defected in the 70’s you mentioned are the Šťastný brothers, and they’re legends. Peter’s record for most assists by a rookie still stands today. Sure, Joe Juneau tied it in 1993, but the NHL season was six games longer by then. You have no idea what those three brothers had to go through to escape the Iron Curtain and to call them fat is just plain rude. As the Democratic minority leader of the Houses of Representatives, you should know better and should have a better grasp of history. I’m afraid you’re going to have to be punished for your gross ignorance. Sure, I could just tell you to say 1,000 “Our Fathers” and have you flog yourself with a cat-o-nine-tails, but it’ll be much more fun to have fifty cobras bite you on the nipples while you’re taking a bath. It might not be the next time you’re in the tub. It might not even be the time after that. But one of these days when you least expect it—BAM! Cobras! Maybe that’ll get you to finally crack open a history book.

—Jesus the Merciful

Dear Nancy Pelosi,

The short answer to your question is that history is written by the victors. Since the USA won the Cold War, you can, therefore, accept everything you see on TV as absolute fact. As to your other question about why Felicity is so angry, well that’s an easy one—she needs to get laid. And, to be honest, so do you. Now, we both know your husband is wicked gay, so what’s a girl to do, right? Well, I think I can personally help out in that capacity. Just say the word, and I can be between your legs instantly. And I can take the form of anyone you want. Always wanted to be eaten out by Michelle Obama? No problem, I’m there for you. How about a three-way with Felicity and Zombie Judge Scalia? I can make that happen, too. I can pretty much make your every fantasy come true. I hope to hear from you soon.

—Lucifer the Naughty

H. Seitz
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